Dear Locke:

I write in regards to my client, Mr. Randy Carrington, who is accused of Soliciting a Crime Against Nature in the JCPenney Company restroom at the local shopping mall. Evidently, JCPenney Company complained to the Gastonia Police Department regarding various individuals who allegedly had been using their men’s restroom for the purpose of soliciting illegal sex acts from other men. In response to this complaint, the Gastonia Police Department’s vice squad conducted a sting operation utilizing Officer Harold Studds as an undercover agent. 

Apparently, Officer Studds and the GPD conducted this sting operation from March 1 to March 5, 2015. Approximately seventeen individuals were charged separately as a result of this sting operation. One of these individuals is Mr. Carrington, whom his wife and he contend, is completely innocent of this charge. Rather, this was simply a big misunderstanding. 

Before I begin explaining how Mr. Carrington’s situation is simply a big misunderstanding, I should first describe how this sting operation was conducted. Evidently, GPD surveillance officers, situated in the JCPenney loss prevention office, would hide an audio recording device on Officer Studds and send him into the men’s restroom. On this particular day, Officer Studds was arrayed in white shorts, deck shoes, and a short-sleeved, peach colored Izod knit shirt. He also had donned around his neck a gold chain, attached to which was a gold and silver medallion in the shape of a sailboat. 

Now, I believe you know Officer Studds from other investigations. Harold, or Harry as he is called, stands roughly six feet two inches in height, eights approximately two hundred ten pounds and resembles a young George Clooney, according to the ladies at your office. A naturally friendly fellow, Officer Studds gets along well with everyone and exhibits excellent communication skills. Unfortunately, his particular conversation with my client did not record very well. Consequently, the conversation reads in a disjointed manner because much of it is missing. 

Nevertheless, my client and his wife provided me an explanation of what occurred. Mr. Carrington had come to the mall that day to grab an Orange Julius. As an aside, who can blame him? Everyone loves an Orange Julius. And now that Orange Julius and Dairy Queen have combined into one store, there is something for everyone. Whether you desire the heavenly orange creamy sweetness of the Orange Julius drink or the rich, milky, peanut-chocolaty goodness of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Blizzard, it’s available at the mall. 

After purchasing his Orange Julius, Mr. Carrington proceeded to exit the mall through JCPenney as his car was parked adjacent to the store. On his way out, he needed to use the restroom. So he entered the JCPenney men’s room to relieve himself. Now I seriously doubt that Mr. Carrington entered the JCPenney men’s room for any reason other than emergency dictated so. After all, everyone knows that Sears, Belk, and Dillard’s all have nicer restrooms – especially Belk and Dillard’s. Personally, I prefer Belk’s because it’s always clean and has short urinals. Not being a tall man, I prefer short urinals. Both Belk and Dillard’s have short urinals. However, I always forget where the Dillard’s men’s room is located. Consequently, I have to make a mad dash for it by the time I figure it out – narrowly avoiding an embarrassing accident. Belk’s men’s room is located across from Women’s Lingerie. I never have trouble finding it for some reason. 

Anyway, upon entering the JCPenney men’s room, Mr. Carrington noticed Officer Studds, nodded to him, and placed the Orange Julius on the side of the large sink furthest from Officer Studds, who was standing at the other side of the sink. Of course, you know Officer Studds noticed that Orange Julius. It’s unclear whether he could detect that delectable, savory orange scent emanating from the drink; but if he did, it would surely have an impact upon the integrity of this investigation. 

The audio, which again only recorded parts of Officer Studds and Mr. Carrington’s conversation, contains some reference to him using the word “head.” Mr. Carrington was simply referring to  the urinal when he used the word. After all, Mr. Carrington is a seafaring man. Each year, he and his friend of ten years sail off the coast of the Atlantic for two weeks – just fishing and having fun. And every seafaring man refers to the restroom on the ship as the “head.” 

Surely, Officer Studds knew this. After all, he was wearing a sailboat medallion. That’s how the conservation began between the two – Mr. Carrington asked Officer Studds if he liked to sail. Because of the malfunctioning recorder, we can’t hear what all was said. However, Officer Studds states that Mr. Carrington asked to perform an oral sex act upon Officer Studds. Mr. Carrington denies this. As to Officer Studd’s statement that Mr. Carrington “had his trousers pulled down to his ankles and was fully aroused,” I would point out that Mr. Carrington did need to urinate. As for the “arousal” part – well, that’s probably just one of the many pleasant side effects that come from consuming that delicious Orange Julius,  the arousing orange taste of which can’t help but excite a man.

I am sure you can see now how this whole matter amounts solely to a big misunderstanding. Why don’t you just dismiss this charge and let everyone walk away the wiser? As for me, I’m picking up an Orange Julius after work and going home to see my wife. 


Yours very truly,