Dear Brandon:

I received your plea offer regarding my client, Antonio Williams, and I was … well … hurt and disappointed that you wish to make poor Antonio do prison time for this minor offense. I realize that he has a horrible record. I realize that he is a habitual felon. I also realize that his criminal history indicates that he has been selling drugs his entire life. However, when we put all this in perspective, a much brighter side of Antonio will appear.

First, let’s examine this investigative file, which I contend contains numerous errors. All of this began when the Gaston County Police, with nothing better to do, decided to put their paid, confidential informant to work in an effort to lure my unsuspecting client back into the world of crime. Poor Antonio, unable to find work because of his criminal record, needed to fend for his kids and their mother. So when the informant called begging for some weed, it appears that Antonio succumbed to the request and sold seven grams of a green, leafy substance to the informant in the gazebo at the Erwin Center.

Although your file does not provide the name and identity of the informant, he is called “Nestle.” Without having the CD that allegedly recorded this incident, it is unclear whether Nestle’s name is pronounced “Ness-lee” or “Ness-ul.” If pronounced “Ness-lee,” then he may well possess some degree of truthfulness. After all, if it’s “Ness-lee,” then he probably loves chocolate; and most people who love chocolate are decent people. I love chocolate – all kinds of chocolate. I even once liked white chocolate until I found out it wasn’t chocolate. Then I vowed never to touch it again. I’m a chocolate purist in case you didn’t know.

If the name is pronounced “Ness-ul” however, then everything changes. Any man called “Ness-ul” lacks character and integrity at all levels. Dung like him will betray any friend or family member just to pad his own pocket. A “Ness-ul” would not even bat an eye when his actions ultimately led to putting the father of three young children in prison over a $65 drug deal. Such a man would take the $80 paycheck he received from the police for his work and simply walk away. And that’s exactly what “Nestle,” or “Ness-ul” we should say, did. 

And what about “Ness-ul’s” payday? He received more money for the deal than the man charged with the crime. What’s up with that? That’s criminal in itself. Of course, I suppose betraying a fellow citizen ought to pay well – it helps assuage the ole conscience – assuming “Ness-ul” has one.

According to the file, the alleged transaction occurred in the gazebo at the Erwin Center. Consequently, the police piled upon Antonio the additional charge of Selling/Distributing a Controlled Substance within 1,000 feet of a Park. What they don’t tell you is that no one was at the park. Why? It was December 10th and it’s cold in December. I don’t know the exact temperature that day, but my Almanac indicated that December 8th through 12th would be extremely cold. And the Almanac never lies. So you know it was cold in that gazebo. 

As an aside, I like a gazebo. There’s just something about those quaint little wooden structures that appeals to me. Perhaps it’s that bit of shelter they provide from a sea of sunshine. Perhaps it’s the open air design. Perhaps it’s their rustic appearance or even the polygonal shape. Nope, I remember now. One of my college girlfriends and I had a fun encounter in a gazebo back in my undergraduate days. Oh, and in case you intend on trying that – word to the wise – watch out for splinters. The file doesn’t indicate if a splinter stuck “Ness-ul,” but he deserved it. 

Meanwhile, Antonio had a job interview with the Olive Garden, so I doubt he and “Ness-ul” spent as much time in the gazebo as that girl and I did. The Olive Garden will, from time to time, hire someone with a felony record and they were considering hiring Antonio, But for “Ness-ul” and the county police, the only green, leafy substance that Antonio was desired to sell was the all-you-can-eat salad at the Olive Garden. Actually, it’s all you can eat salad, soup, and breadsticks. It always amazes me that so many people flock to it. It’s lettuce for goodness sake. Just because they throw in six croutons, two slices of onion, and a tablespoon of tangy dressing into each gallon bowl doesn’t church it up enough to call it a salad. Likewise, throwing some butter and garlic salt on that tasteless, doughy bread of theirs doesn’t make it worthy of being called a breadstick. I’m surprised real breadsticks across the land aren’t up in arms over this. I do, however, enjoy their soup. Antonio believes I criticize the Olive Garden too harshly, although he will confess that the minestrone needs a dash more basil.

Of course, now that you wish to incarcerate Antonio, his dreams of employment at the Olive Garden are quashed completely. His children will now suffer, their mother will suffer. Heck, even the Olive Garden will suffer. After all, it sounds like he was on his way to improving their minestrone. 

Can you please reconsider your plea offer and place Antonio on probation? It’s a win-win for all. Thank you.

Your very truly,