Dear Mr. Graham:

I’m writing you on behalf of my client, Mr. Ronald Arnold Whitworth, who is charged with Trafficking in Marijuana and other related drug felonies, all of which stem from the cultivation of one marijuana plant. The plant was allegedly growing in a tall weeded area on the other side of the fence from Mr. Whitworth’s yard. Evidently, an informant by the name of Bobby Joe Vanderford, reported the plant’s presence to the Cherryville Police Department. Sergeant T.C. Jones obtained a search warrant based on Bobby Joe’s statements and executed the same at 208 Woodlawn Avenue, Cherryville, North Carolina, which happened to be my client’s residence. 

The investigative file indicates that while Sergeant Jones was attempting to serve the search warrant, someone was attempting to steal the marijuana plant by digging it up. This individual quickly hopped over a wooden fence and ran away. I assume this person was not my client because Sergeant Jones states he then met with my client who was very cooperative. Although Mr. Whitworth admitted he’d planted the marijuana plant, he stated he did so for the purpose of reducing it to an extract in order to alleviate his father’s cancer symptoms. That’s a noble cause, don’t you think?

You may want to ask Sergeant T.C. Jones if he felt Mr. Whitworth’s cause was noble. While you’re at it, ask Sergeant Jones if his first name is Tom. I know Sergeant Jones and have spoken with him on numerous occasions, but I don’t know his first name. I hope it’s Tom, because then he would be Tom Jones – and who doesn’t like Tom Jones? Tom Jones is one of the greatest crooners and personalities of the twentieth century. His full-throated, robust, baritone voice, combined with his half-unbuttoned shirts and pasted on trousers, has excited crowds of women for nearly five decades. They say that at his Caesar’s Palace Las Vegas performances, women would pelt the stage with their room keys in hopes of an amorous encounter with Tom. While many men envy Tom Jones for this, I personally, find the whole scene disconcerting. After all, if you’re one of these women, how do you get your key back if Tom Jones doesn’t choose it? Or do you just sleep outside the door of your room hoping Tom comes along with your key in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other? Likewise, if you’re Tom Jones, how do you know who threw which key? Or did he just begin unlocking hotel room doors at random until he found one to his liking? I can hear Tom now, “I’ve been through two and a half floors of rooms, and you, Ms. Room 308… you are the winner!” However he did it, it’s clear he did it a lot because at the pinnacle of his career, he claimed to have had sex with over 250 groupies a year. Strangely, he’s been married to the same woman since 1957. I guess he never got the memo that you had to quit dating upon marrying. In any case, the Queen of England was undeterred by his philandering, because in 2006 she knighted Tom at Buckingham Palace. She knighted Tom Jones? Really? Makes you wonder if hers was one of these lucky room keys.

Although I could go on for quite some time about Sir Tom Jones, we’d better turn our attention back to the case. Particularly, who was this individual attempting to steal my client’s pot plant? I’ll bet you it was Bobby Joe Vanderford. No doubt he got to thinking about the value of the plant and concluded he’d be better off stealing and selling/smoking the same. Too bad he wasn’t successful, it makes for a funny visual – Bobby Joe running down the road with a six foot tall marijuana plant in his arms. It kind of gives a new meaning to “The Green Mile,” doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for Mr. Whitworth, this would-be pot pilferer was not successful in his larcenous endeavor. Consequently, Sergeant Jones had no choice but to arrest my client for possessing the plant. Although Sergeant Jones charged Mr. Whitworth with Trafficking charges. Additionally, I would ask that you allow Mr. Whitworth to plead to Felony Possession of Marijuana and allow him to enter the e90-96 deferred prosecution program. After all, this whole matter has caused my client enough suffering. His father only lived with him because a Ms. Donna Layton, currently serving two years, deceived dear old dad and numerous other elderly people and stole his entire life savings of nearly $200,000. Additionally, Sergeant Jones reported this drug matter to the North Carolina Department of Revenue who issued an unauthorized substance tax against my client in the amount of $23,938.60. So, not only will Mr. Whitworth have no inheritance forthcoming, but he will be forever saddled with a tax debt which he cannot pay – all for one plant, the street value of which was probably less than $400 and was intended solely for medicinal purposes. 
For all these reasons, I implore you to have mercy on my client and allow him to enter the 90-96 deferred prosecution program. After all, it's just one plant. And why Sergeant Tom felt this needed to be reported to the Department of Revenue is beyond me. Perhaps he’s bucking for a promotion. Perhaps he wants to be Major Tom. Who knows? He may be striving for knighthood. Why not? If the Queen will knight Tom Jones, we all should consider throwing our hat into the ring.

Yours very truly,