Dear Howard:

I am writing you regarding Ms. Valerie Kanowski, who is charged with various traffic offenses relating to an automobile collision in which William Augustus Anthony III, Charles Lifford, Brent Ratchford, and I were the victims. No, I am not writing to request that you throw the book at her. Rather, I am writing requesting you show her mercy. Why you may ask? I will explain.

You see, this all began when we were on our way to the Longhorn for lunch. Since you are new to the District Attorney’s office, you may not be familiar with everyone involved: Mr. Anthony, my esteemed partner, better known as “Gus,” Mr. Brent Ratchford, and I have been eating lunch together for years. In many ways, it is the highlight of our day. When Mr. Lifford, or “Chuck” as he is known, joined our firm, he became part of our lunch gang as well. Chuck retired as an Assistant Chief of Police from the Gastonia Police Department several years ago and decided to return to school to become a lawyer. Why he chose to join our firm, one can only speculate. I am assuming it’s because of lunch. Regardless, Gus and I are pleased because among other assets Chuck brings to the firm, he also drives us to lunch. 

On this particular day, Chuck was driving his recently acquired 2013 Camry east on Franklin Boulevard. Brent occupied the front passenger seat while Gus and I sat comfortably in the back. We had stopped at the New Hope Road traffic light when suddenly WHAM! Someone had run into the rear of Chuck’s car, which Gus had affectionately named the “chuck wagon.” Although the impact was not tremendous, it startled all of us. Gus and I turned to see who and what had rear-ended us and observed a young lady in her twenties behind the wheel of an older model Honda Accord station wagon. Avoiding eye contact, she appeared to look to see what damage, if any, she’d caused. She began to back up her vehicle in what I thought was an effort to separate heer car from ours; and then it happened. She threw her car into drive, mashed the accelerator, swerved to the right and commenced heer escape. “She’s rabbiting,” Gus yelled. “Get her, Chuck!” 

You talk about excitement. My blood was pumping. We were going to be in a car chase – with an ex-cop at the wheel. Wow. Although adrenaline consumed us, we still observed her tag number and duly recorded it. Of course, that wouldn’t matter because we were clearly going to catch her – after all, there was no way she would get away from the 2013 Camry in that old station wagon. Well, at least that’s what we thought. As it turns out, Chuck, in an attempt to activate his flashers, disengaged his steering wheel setting and then could not locate the flasher button. “She’s getting away,” we all shouted. Skipping the flasher option, Chuck took off after her. Meanwhile she’d taken a right onto New Hope Road, the back end of that Honda fishtailing perfectly through the turn. She then headed south with surprising speed and had gained at least 100 to 150 yards on us. By the time Chuck had turned right onto New Hope, she had reached the light at Burtonwood Drive, which was red. Undaunted, she drove into the empty left turn lane, tires squealing, and ran the red light in a most impressive maneuver just as the light turned green. And just like that, she was gone.

Realizing defeat, we called 911 and returned to the scene of the accident. As we waited for the police to arrive, we continued to give Chuck a hard time. As it turns out, he’d never been in a car chase before. Like he pointed out, you don’t see too much action of that nature in the Alcohol Law Enforcement division. That little tidbit of information did not assuage our disappointment. A short time later, Officers Mike Thomas and Keith Quinn arrived on the scene. They interviewed us as they jotted down detailed notes regarding the whole affair. Of course, if you know Officer Thomas, you’d know how precise this man is. He may be the most overqualified individual ever to work traffic accidents. The number of courses and classes he’s taken just to write accident reports exceeds the education one would receive from most undergraduate institutions. Overqualified individuals always intimidate me. I remember when Gus and I received a résumé from a lady who was applying for a paralegal position with us. She possessed four different undergraduate degrees, spoke three languages, and had played in the Charlotte Symphony Orchestra. Overwhelmed, I showed the résumé to Gus. He read it, looked at me, and said, “She had me at cello.” Needless to say, we couldn’t afford her/

Fortunately, we did not have to pay for the advance skills of Officer Thomas, who efficiently recorded all of the relevant information regarding the accident and then set out to arrest Ms. Kanowski. Although the “chuck wagon” had sustained no noticeable damage, Officer Quinn pointed out that the material inside the rear bumper most definitely would require repair. While everyone else was angry at Ms. Kanowski for leaving the scene of the accident, I had to commend her excellent driving skills to the officers. Sure, she’d violated numerous traffic laws; and admittedly, it is never good to run your car into a bunch of lawyers. Nonetheless, if she can drive that old Honda Accord station wagon with such skill, speed, and poise, she could eventually join Danica Patrick on the NASCAR circuit. So, please, be lenient on her. She may become a star one day.

Yours very truly,